Empty
by fortheloveofwritingg
Summary: A three part overview on Effy's life without Freddie.
1. Chapter 1

_Effy_

I walk around for hours today

The sun hitting my face, except I feel no warmth

But if I'm being honest here, I've been walking around for a week because

I don't know what else to do.

It's been a week

Since he was here

A week

Since I saw his face

A week

Since I felt his touch…

_Freddie's dead. _

I hear the words but I don't let them sink in.

I can't let them

And I don't want to.

I close my eyes and go to the place far away in my mind where things good and bad co-exist. The place better than here, because there, he still exists. I feel him smiling as he holds me as I beg him to be there when I open my eyes again. Instead, he answers with a kiss. He kisses my cheek

My mouth

My chin

My neck

My shoulder

And I let him. My body takes every bit of him in and I hold him close letting him take in mine. He's so gentle as his hands move along my skin and there, in his arms, I feel love at its peak. But most of all I feel _safe_.

I make note of every detail because I know that day by day my memory will fade.

His scent

His touch

His kiss

As his lips continue to explore.

My eyes open without my consent and again reality sucks me back in. _Fuck_, I yell, when really all I want to do is cry. I run to the first place I can think to go and don't stop until I get to Freddie's shed. I hold my breath as I look around.

Memories.

Too many fucking memories.

And I strain trying to hold on to the good ones.

Ever since the police came to my house and told me the news I've felt this gigantic emptiness inside me. Not the kind you want to fill with food, porn, or knowledge but the kind you don't know what to do about.

Except, fill it.

With that thing

That thing

That means everything.

It's my fault. I loved Freddie but I didn't let him in. I pushed him away until eventually my pushing led to his death.

He was killed, when he was too busy saving me.

Murdered, when he was too busy loving me.

And now all I want is to tell him sorry. Pull him, instead of push him. And tell him how much he meant to me. How grateful I was when he took care of me. How now that I am without I am I feel close to nothing.

It's amazing, really

How long your list of things to tell a person gets

when they're gone.

I didn't cry. I haven't cried. I can't cry because I'm too angry that I let this happen. And all I do is yell. I yelled when they told me, screamed when Cook brought me to see his body and cried out to his family when they tried to tell me they 'knew what I was going through'.

I was a mess before, yes, and now with Freddie no longer here, 'mess' is an understatement.

No one gets how I feel. No one fucking understands.

And when I close my eyes and go back to that place, it only kills me more, as I hold on to what is not there. What will never be there, again.

What I needed hurt me, and when I didn't let myself need it back, it hurt me more.

Till it killed

the one I love.

But my demons:

they're happy.

They're finally at rest, now that he's gone.

But my heart:

It cries,

Hungry for food

reality will never let it have.


	2. Chapter 2

_Empty - Part II_

**This is the last piece I wrote. I don't like my writing style in it very much but it's really just to build you up to Part III. Hope you like what you read! xxx

* * *

**

_I love you_, I say in my mind.

Love

in the past tense

Love

in the present, _and_ in the future.

Because _he_ is the one I will always love.

It's Freddie I think of

as Cook fucks me on a bare mattress.

_Freddie_

while Cook's hands aggressively caress my body.

_Freddie_

as he kisses me over and over and wills me to grab his balls.

I breathe heavily as he lies down beside me now that it's over. He knows what's coming next and asks me if I'll make it home alone, and I nod.

And then I leave.

I take the long way home to walk off the horrible feeling that usually comes right after I shag Cook. I don't know why I do it, really. Probably to stop the loneliness or to replace the pain instead with some more regret.

It makes sense doesn't it? We're both here hurting over Freddie (me more than him, of course), so why not hurt

_together_?

* * *

I opened the front door to my house and nearly tripped over a huge box on the floor. "Mum!" I yelled, but don't get any response. "There's a box on the floor here. It almost killed me, but I'm taking it up to my room now, anyway." I picked the box up, which was rather light for its size, and went up to my room.

Everything was clean – even the walls looked whiter. _Mum_ _must have been bored_, I thought as I dropped the box onto the bed before plopping on myself. It takes me a while, but as I stare at the box before me I realized that near the side of it, there's some writing that reads, _F.M.c__. _Despite the nerves that suddenly sparked inside me, I managed to open it and found an old skateboard, loads of clothes, some shoes and chains that all belong to Freddie. Curious, I took every last bit of it out and lay it all over my room.

Freddie was _everywhere_.

I smirked as I looked around the room at all the things I'd seen and not seen before. I heard a voice somewhere saying, "_Go on. It's all yours_ _now_." It was him. It had to be him. And I did not waste a minute before diving into each pile and trying everything on. Some of the very clothes I'd ripped off his body not too long ago were either on me now or covering my floors. It was hard not to feel him here.

I eyed Freddie's skateboard just sitting there in the corner. He never did teach me how to use that thing properly. I didn't know what to do with it now. A sharp flash of pain suddenly sped through my skin and when I looked it was one of his bracelets, pressing into me.

One with a sharp edged pendant. Freddie's favourite one.

Then I got an idea

An idea to mark us as forever

Kneeling down onto the floor I began my carpentry.

I dug and scratched and pressed and rubbed and smoothed

the wood of his board.

And when I was done, I looked at what had only taken me a short ten minutes to create

The skateboard now read: EFFY + FREDS 4EVER. Now it was _ours_.

Everything in this room was just as much mine as it was his.

I had to use it. I had a sudden urge to glide all over town.

I ran down the steps still in his clothes, with his skateboard in hand. I opened the door briskly to find someone about to knock to come in.

"Karen? Erm…" It was Freddie's sister – the last person I'd expected to visit me after the way I shouted at her when she tried to be somewhat nice to me.

"Hello, Effy." She said looking me over, knowing exactly what I had on. "I see you got my package."

"It was you? You brought it here? But why?" I asked her. She smiled before she went on. "May I come in? Just for a bit, yeah." I nodded and we both went back inside the house.

"I came by earlier but you weren't here. Your mum was about to leave but she said I could leave them for when you got back.

Look, I know I've treated you horribly. Even when Freddie was still around, busy being in love. I couldn't stand Freddie most of the time. But I couldn't stand it even more when my big brother never even had time to argue with me. I felt horrible when I found out. Of course he hadn't run away. And when I saw his journal, I knew he would never leave you. I was angry because I realized that the one person who was always taking care of me and everyone else didn't have anyone to take care of him. And now he's gone. He's gone and I wish I could have done something. I wish I could take back all the bitchy things I said and the embarrassing photos I took of him…" Tears slowly spilled out of her eyes but still she went on. "The only thing I can do for him now is make sure your okay. I wanted you to have all the things he had." I took her hand but I couldn't cry with her. The tears wouldn't come.

Neither would the words.

"I know I will never understand what it feels like to be in love with my brother but I know what it feels like to have that one person you could always trust be gone forever. I know what it feels like to be lost. And I'm just sorry I called you a crazy bitch..."

I gave her a hug and we just stayed like that for a long while. She was right. Freddie would want her to take care of me. But he would have also wanted me to be there for her as well. There was an overbearing silence in the air despite Karen's weeps and I just wanted to hear his voice again.

They were much alike, her and Freddie. They just had very different ways of handling their mother's death.

I couldn't help feel like it was all my fucking fault. I was back to feeling like my pain had caused another's sorrow.

I wiped her eyes with the sleeve of Freddie's sweater and told her we should go out somewhere.

She looked up at me with helpless eyes and smiled,

"I know just the perfect place."


	3. Chapter 3

**Part III – The **_**dream**_

I walked into my mum's room

and lay on her bed, idly, feeling all partied out.

Mind you, the party had ended days ago but I spent the rest of time at Naomi's with Karen

because

I honestly did not have the strength to go home.

They thought we all needed to see one another, and catch up on our lives post-death-of-Freddie.

They went on and on about their stories, laughing and talking

Just like old times.

It was nice

Being around people who could move on

Who could be happy again–

I'd even had a dew drinks.

They all showed me sympathy and understanding looks, and complimented me on my outfit:

An exclusive from the Freddie Mclair line.

But I hardly spoke and I never shared any stories

For there were no stories to tell.

Cook

Had been there with me on the couch, and held my hand in the midst of it all

Giving me knowing looks which told me he knew where my head really was.

I get up again, and shed the many layers of Freddie's jumpers and sweaters and tees

Until I was only in both of our underwear.

* * *

I held my breath

When I got to my own room door and saw that someone

was already there.

He was tall. And tanned.

And fully clothed,

unlike me.

He was beautiful, standing there like that

Rather like the one in my dreams.

Except less shimmery and faint and more…

_Real_.

"Hello, Effy." The boy speaks.

Smiling, as he sits on a skateboard that lay on the floor.

One that belonged to him.

I stare, completely in shock, question marked all over my face. _Was_ _it his clothes?_ I wonder as I look down at them in my hands

_Or was it the things I let Cook say,_

_When we shagged? The things I let him_

_whisper in my ear_.

"I'm not here about Cook," he says, reading my mind, his face flat. "And it's not my clothes either." Then he chuckles. "Although I must say you do look lovely in my boxers."

My heart blushed

But my face couldn't

For it was still at a loss for words.

"Is this real? It's not really you, is it, Freddie?" I ask, scared for the answer.

"Real as it'll get." He tells me, getting up on his feet again.

I wanted to stop talking. I wanted him to run to me and hold me and kiss me

And love me

But there are just so many questions.

"How are you here?" I mumble. "It's been months. How is it you look so…real? Like you've never even left?"

"As long as you love me, I'll look as real as you want. Forever etched in your dreams."

…_and in my thoughts_

_And memories_

I continue for him in my head. But my face must be blank because he does continue.

"Which means you're not going to forget me. You don't have to worry, Eff. I'll still be here…somewhere." He reassures me and smiles.

That must have done it, because I immediately give in.

Running to him and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Oh, Freddie, I miss you so much." I cry out into his shirt." I can't believe I let that happen to you!" I squeeze him as if to ensure he never goes away.

He too, held on tight, neither of us caring the least bit that I was still only in my bra and his boxers.

"It's not your fault. And it's not like we can change it." He says, the pain evident in his voice.

He pulls away so I could see his face

So that he can see mine.

He looks so deeply into the blue of my eyes and says ever so softly,

"It'll only remind you of how much I love you, Eff. The tings I did just to be with you. How deep into it al I went, because of my love for you…"

His sweet voice tells me things that make me melt and then I cut him off

with my lips.

I kiss him

And kiss him for so long it just feels like the two of us

In our own world.

I don't think we've ever kissed this way

Ever.

And my knees get weaker and weaker

Until

We fall onto my bed.

But still it's just kisses and kisses

and more kisses

Until Freddie smiles and pulls away.

He looks at his watch, and then we both laugh at that gesture

And I really smile for what feels like the first time

And I know right then I must look beautiful

because Freddie's eyes tell me that.

He takes my hand and I hope it means we will kiss again but instead he asks,

"They're gone, aren't they? They've finally left my girl alone." He says, some what pleased.

I nod, to let him know he's right, but I frown

And look down

At the mere mention of my demons

"Hey," he says, "Look at me," and he holds my face up with his warm hands.

"You're like…_really_ amazing, you know that? And I want you to go live life.

Enjoy it.

For _me _and_ you_."

Tears well up in my eyes and I whisper, "I don't think I can, Freddie. Not without you."

"Yes, you can. I told you I'd take care of you, and I won't break that promise."

Sitting up now, he smiles and holds me so that I am resting on his shoulder. I feel safe in his arms like this as he takes me to the door. With his hands in my hair he looks down on me, right into my eyes and says,

"I'll always be with you, Eff," He takes my hand and puts it right above my breast. "_Right_ _here_."

He smiles so big now and the emotions I felt before, doubled,

And tripled

And exceeded anything I've ever felt before. With anyone.

"We'll be together for real again one day, Effy. I promise." He kisses my forehead before he sort-of disappears, and as he does, tears begin rolling down my cheek.

I cry.

I'm _finally_ crying. And I do so some more because once I start I cannot stop. I cry for who I lost.

Cry for who I will forever love.

I go out the next day, with a new sense of energy rushing through me. I immediately pull my hands into my chest as the cold hits me. The icy air was not enough to affect me like the day before had, but was still enough to make me shiver. But then I smile, as I leave my hand there, and I don't dare to move it.

Because right there

In that very spot

It's completely warm

And full of love.

* * *

**Like this? Don't like this? Let me know, and review! You may also like my other Skins fanfics, so go on and check them out! And thanks for reading **** xx **


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